Confessions of a Princess
by Tinkerrbell
Summary: [ Rikku x Gippal ] “I’m sorry..” The poor girl looked down at the bed, at the clothes she had just thrown to the floor. “..But I can’t do this.” Want more? Read on ... Rated M for safety
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: None of this is really mine.. I'm just the poor author.. changed my pen name , I'm the former Princess of Sorrow.. deleted all my stories though

A/N: this is a story in diary style, it is written Rikku x Gippal though , in Rikku's POV... maybe later if y'all ask.. I'll try to work in Gippal's POV too

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**Confessions of a Princess..**

**Dear Diary,**

"I'm sorry.." The poor girl looked down at the bed, at the panties she had just thrown to the floor. "..But I can't do this." A tear rolled down her cheek and fell on the bed. Heavenly blue was the colour but when the tear reached the bed.. it turned into a dark kind of blue…

Seeing the colour change made the girl even sadder. What exactly brought her here? With him. She didn't even know the answer herself. The boy just looked at her… slightly disappointed but not really that shocked.

"It wasn't my intention to.." He stopped and doubted the words he was about to say. "It's just.. you seemed to be okay with it." The boy didn't know where to look. He wasn't ashamed of what he did, or... what he tried to do… He was ashamed because the girl made him realise that it was wrong.

"Gippal… when will you ever learn… that hearts are…well… breakable. All you see is the body, do you even look at their faces? Of course not… cause if you had, you had noticed they were all sad… sad… and hopeful." The girl slowly grabbed her clothes and walked away.

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That was everything I saw tonight. I saw my Gippal doing another girl that wasn't even his own. I had a crush on Gippal for two years now. And every time he'd have a girl. And it was never I who walked beside him.

It hurt… to know that absolutely EVERYONE was better than me. A part of me resented him, for being such a pervert and such a heartbreaker. That part wanted to spit on him so many times. I even swore to never talk to him again.

Yet every time I see him, talk to him, or just walk past him, I can't help but smile. I'll always do stupid things just to make him notice me. When I think back of the things I ever did to get his attention, I feel like a fool.

But that is what he has made me into. A fool. A blind fool, the worst kind. I guess that girl that night was right… the girls that love Gippal are always sad, hurt, heartbroken yet always hopeful that someday it'll be THEIR turn.. and when their turn is over… they feel worse.

I wonder… will he ever give up his lifestyle, if he found the right girl? Will he ever say I love you… and mean it? If he ever does, it must be to a very special girl. Sometimes I dream and imagine that that girl is me.

In my mind, he has told me a thousand times… As I write this… I feel sad… I feel tears coming up… so I guess I better lay down my pen… tomorrow is another day. If there's something special to report, you'll be the first to know.

Then again… a day with Gippal is always special. I'm working with him on a project for the kids in Djosé… tomorrow, I'll tell you all about it.

Goodnight.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: None of this is really mine.. I'm just the poor author..

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Dear diary,**

Like I told you, I went to Djosé today. Gippal was working on one of his 'great' ideas and wanted my help. I don't really know why he wanted me there. I wasn't as good with machina as all his employees so he could just ask them to help.

Later I realised we weren't going to work with machina. He explained to me that last night 'something' happened that made him realise that he didn't want to be with his girlfriend anymore. From that moment on I had to swallow my anger. The memories of that night came rushing through my mind.

He never told me why he wanted to get rid of her. Was it because he wanted to be free.. to be available to all the girls? Or was it because that girl last night… was the right one? If I had to chose… I'd rather want him to be available to all the girls. Might seem selfish but at least then I'd still stand a chance. To bad I never found the nerve to ask.

Anyways his plan was to kiss me at the moment his girl walked in. Now any other might have said no, but this was Gippal. The same Gippal I've been longing to kiss for years. This wasn't exactly the place nor the reason I had in mind, but it was better than nothing, right?

Now, don't think I never struggled with my inner-Rikku. I thought 'this isn't right' every step of the way. Yet somehow I managed to push those thoughts away every time.

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So like we planned, we would be in his tent, kissing while waiting for his girlfriend to come in. He said he was sure she'd come so I believed him.

I felt uneasy at first but he treated me as if I were the one. He slowly walked towards me and softly caressed my cheek with his fingers before he leaned in. I couldn't help but wondering, does he make every girl feel like this? And if he does, is that the reason why everybody refuses to believe that they were just 'one of them'.

I guess at that time, I refused to believe I was just one of them either. I was so caught up, I didn't even notice that there was something wrong until Gippal stopped kissing me. All I could hear was "Wait, I can explain..." before he ran off.

I was left there alone. I was so angry with him, why did he run after his girl when all he wanted was to get rid of her? It just didn't make sense. Now, I was the one who was crying. It was then I realised I really was just one of them. If I wasn't, I wouldn't be sitting there, crying.

An hour later Gippal showed up again. I could see from his face that he was surprised to find that I was still there. It's not like I had a choice, it was arranged that he'd bring me back to Besaid after we were done.

All he could say was "I'm sorry… but my plan didn't work." He sat down beside me and started to explain. That girl, was the girl from last night. He started to tell everything that had happened, that she didn't let him, what she said.

I had trouble with controlling myself. I was hurt enough last night by seeing it. I didn't' want to go through this all over again. Believe me, the love that hurts the most, is not the unanswered one. It is the one where you see the one you love… make love to everyone… everyone but you. And after, he just finds it necessary to come and tell you all about it.

Part of me wanted out… that was also the part that wanted to spit on him for being such an ignorant fool. But the other part, the part of me that was in love with him , the biggest part, made me stay. Stay and listen.

I comforted him and gave him advice all through the night. Not that I think that my advice will be taken serious but… a girl can try, right ? He's asleep now. His head is resting on my lap. You should see how peaceful it looks. He doesn't even look like a player right now. He seems so innocent…

Cid must be worried by now. He doesn't know I'm staying for the night… I guess Gippal just forgot that he had to take me home… I'll probably will get my ass kicked for this… but it's worth it.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Goodnight.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: it ain't mine.. :-)

a/n: About Rikku's character… she's still the same but since it is her diary, I figured I should give a sadder, inner look into what she really feels. :-) so that is why her character seems a little off…

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Dear diary,**

I was right… as always. I've just gotten my ass kicked because I never came home last night. He was so worried he had sent Brother to the Thunderplains. Don't know why he thought I'd most likely be there. I mean I hate thunder! Not to mention that it is Brothers fault that I'm so afraid of lightning. He never used a spell ever again.

I guess he was afraid that because of my fear, something would have happened to me. I guess I should have told him that Gippal would bring me home on some machina. Maybe then pops would have been a little more calm about it. He always seems to worry that some Yevonite, although there are no longer real Yevonites, would come and get me.

I, on the contrary, am even more afraid of Santa Claus then any other Yevon-believer. I mean, they tell little kids that a stranger, a fat man with a beard and a funny costume for gods sake, is coming to give them candy? Sounds pretty perverted to me…

But anyways, I was kind off glad that I had stayed with Gippal. When I woke up he was still asleep. I watched him… and listened to him. Never knew that the great Gippal could snore so loudly. I teased him with that all day and still he calls me a layer. He even said I kept him up all night with the noise of my stomach.

Maybe that is why he took my to that nice little restaurant… So, as I said, we went to a nice little restaurant. The owner was Al Bhed so we were pretty comfortable. When we entered, I noticed that there were a lot of Yevon-believers eating there. I gave them all a long and mean glare.

How dare they! They still blame us for what has happened, even now that Sin is gone ! I mean I was one of the people who made him go kaboom ! And now they're eating in an Al Bhed Restaurant! Sure, the food is great but … Oh well… I'll find another way to express my anger.

Apparently, Gippal had planned this visit since there was a table set for us. It was the prettiest spot in the whole restaurant. There was a nice fireplace just beside our table and we weren't too close to all the other guests.

We ate lobster and some ice-cream. It was the best meal I had since… forever ! Ever since mom died, pop started cooking for me and brother… and well… it isn't always the best food. But at least he tries. He has got such a big heart… he's just afraid of showing it I guess. When he lost mom, he closed his heart to everybody, even me and Brother. He wouldn't let anyone get close enough to hurt him.

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After dinner, Gippal figured that it was time to take me home. It was as if we went on a date, dinner, a ride home and then the annoying scene at the door. I was thinking about it the whole way back. Should I kiss him on the cheek? But we kissed already so… Luckily for me, Gippal took the lead and gave me a quick but soft kiss on the lips.

Then I went inside and the whole dating-atmosphere fell apart. Cid yelling at me, Brother running around in circles, Yuna sitting at the table crying… Everybody thought I was… gone for good or something.

Anyways, I was sent to my room… And now I'm writing this. Looking back on this day, I'd say it was worth it. I blame Gippal for not coming in though. Cid might have been more angry with him than with me and I'd be out of shot range.

Oh well… Tomorrow I'm going to have a sleep over at Yunie's house. Paine is coming too and maybe even Shinra, we don't know for sure. Paine wants to invite Baralai and Tidus but I told them no! I'd be the only one alone… God I hope they listened.

And that, as they say, is that. :-)

Goodnight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Dear diary,**

As I mentioned I had a sleepover with Yuna, Paine and Shinra and they didn't invite their lovers like I asked them. Though there's one thing bothering me. It feels as if this whole thing was a set up.

I went to Yuna's place and rang the bell. When the door opened she already had that "we need to talk, missy" look on her face. It wasn't even subtle. I felt like I was trapped and as if they had dragged me into enemy grounds.

When I got to Yuna's room Paine and Shinra looked up to me as if they had seen a ghost. Didn't really know how to react at the time, so I just played the merry go round and asked for a game of truth and dare. Boy was I foolish.

Yuna insisted on being the first to go and asked me right away 'truth or dare'. Even before I got the time to think she asked me: 'what were you thinking when you let Gippal cheat on his girlfriend with you?'. I could have expected this. As big as Spira seems, when it comes to gossip it isn't hardly big enough.

I tried to begin my defence by trying to explain the situation but it was absolutely no use. 'I mean, for the first time the boy is serious about a relationship, YOU of all people have to go and shit all over the happy couple?' I had never seen Yuna this angry.

Though I could have guessed. She's a goodie goodie and when it comes to love she believes in true happiness and in the fact that even the worst players can have a change of heart. Nevertheless I felt like she was my friend, and friends don't attack each other like that. They at least hear them out first. And who was she to judge anyways? She hadn't had a real lover if not for Tidus. That's what I thought at the moment... And afterwards I appeared to have said it out loud too. Maybe not the best reply.

But Yuna, she was unstoppable. She just kept stating how Gippal and his girlfriend had been such a perfect couple and how I should just get my cute little butt out of there. Okay, granted, she never knew what I felt for Gippal. However, she did knew I wasn't some tramp who goes out there kissing boys for no reason. I may look the part, but I'm no slut.

Paine and Shinra tried to calm down Yuna but clearly agreed with her on the matter. Shinra was muttering something about the 'typical Al bhed', apparently forgetting all about the fact that Gippal is one too and Paine… well… She just glared.

I got up from the floor and got my stuff together. I looked up at Yuna and said, relatively calm… 'You don't know ANYTHING about me. We've been friends for ages and you still don't know me. Whenever you want to hear the real deal, you're welcome to come over.'

And that was it, that was my 'sleepover'. I'm secretly hoping that she'll come over tomorrow. Did she have the right to snap back at me like that? What was she hoping to achieve? And Gippal has nothing to do with her. It's almost as if she is… jealous. Could that be? Is this my anger taking over my thoughts?

I better stop this right now. I'm seeing things that don't exist and I'm afraid that if I think much further it might change my perspective on things.

Goodnight


	5. Chapter 5

**Dear diary, **

She didn't come. In a way I expected her not to. Someone did come over though. It wasn't Yuna, it was Paine. I looked at her eyes and though I could still sense a hint of hostility she somehow managed to give me the feeling that she was here to help, not judge.

Paine only speaks when necessary. But today she obviously had a lot to say. I remember her speech as if the words were written in my mind. She was so calm and serene about something so emotional that you just had to respect her for that.

'That girl Gippal cheated on… She's pregnant.' I remember that she stared me right in the eyes when she said that. Her glare had a way of piercing me right down to my very core. Sometimes it felt as if she just couldn't look away, as if she wanted to see me suffer. Okay, I thought, so she is pregnant. That still doesn't give Yuna any reason to act like that. But before I had the time to drown in self pity, Paine shocked me.

'And… so is Yuna. She can relate. You understand?' she said calmly. I wondered why she was telling me this and why I hadn't known. Of course I understand her anger now and the way she can relate to the poor girl but… Why had she kept this wonderful news from me? Later it turned out to be that she planned to tell me on our little sleepover, which obviously turned out to be a fiasco, but as you might expect she never really got the chance.

I needed some time to think these things through and decide who's really at fault now. Who should make the first step to saying sorry? Cause we've both acted in a way friends shouldn't. Then again, she didn't really gave me a chance to understand what the hell was going on. On the other hand I can understand her anger with me.

She probably wonders what kind of future her baby would have if Tidus cheated on her with someone. But that is like saying that a tomato and an orange will taste the same just cause they're both round. That just doesn't make any sense. It must be the hormones.

Lots of thoughts were racing through my head, unsure of where the finish line was or if there even was a finish line. Paine apparently saw this and gave me time to think while waiting silently for my answer. I told her that I still have a lot of questions and that maybe it was a better idea to let me and Yuna handle this. Paine just nodded and walked over to the door. Just as she wanted to leave she turned back and stared at me.

'She is sorry.' I admire the way Paine can summarise things like that. We females are always wondering about how we should say things that we, at some point in the conversation, lose the essence of the problem. Paine didn't waste words on games like that. She feels that whether you say it with five or two words, the message is going to be no different. And with those words, she left.

I leaned with my back against the front door and let myself get dragged on to the floor by gravity. My legs just couldn't fight the battle with the earth anymore and I had to sit down. It was too much information, you know? I didn't know what I should deal with first. The happy pregnancy or the sad pregnancy of the wicked witch of the east.

I know, the girl herself didn't really DO anything to me except making sure that a future with Gippal was now impossible. Don't get me wrong, it had always been impossible. But now it was so definite. She had a baby with him. At least she got a souvenir out of her little fifteen minutes of fame with Gippal, and that's more than most girls can say. I know, I'm being mean but you are my diary after all. Tomorrow I'll just have to deal with things in the happily Rikku kind of way. And right now I don't feel like that at all. I just want to resent that baby. I feel so foolish and mean, but I can't help it. I have to sort out one too many things. I guess a good night sleep will be a welcome distraction.

Tomorrow I'll figure out what to do with Yuna. Cause when worse comes to worst, friends come first.

Goodnight.


	6. Chapter 6

**Dear diary, **

As I promised myself, I went to Yuna's house today. Don't really know if the air between us is clean now, but at least I can breathe again. I stood in front of her front door with my legs trembling. Trying to shake off the feeling that I was the victim here, I prepared myself for when the door opened.

Yuna didn't look at me, she somehow found that the floor was more interesting. There was no welcoming 'come in', just a step aside that gave me some sort of permission to enter. We stood in the hallway as if we had nothing to say. It's weird how silence can be so torturing.

I figured that Yuna thought it was up to me to start the conversation. Now that I look back on it, I can see that she was right about that. After all, I was the one who left and broke of the communication in the first place.

I started playing with my scarf, pretending there were little fragments of whatever caught in it. I looked up and all I saw was Yuna's back. I mumbled a short 'I'm sorry' and lowered my head. I told her all about Paine's visit. It surprised me that she actually let me finish what I had to say.

I also told her exactly how I felt about the situation. That I was feeling left out because I didn't know, hurt because I actually loved Gippal and she ruined my one moment I had and sorry because I know that what I did was wrong. In the end I doubted if I would say that I thought of her as a nosy cousin who really had no right to judge me… but I didn't. She's family after all and family looks out for each other. Even if she ruined the nice warm feeling that I used to get when remembering our kiss, I guess I can understand. All I tend to feel now is resentment and the feeling of being used.

It wasn't until I had said everything I had to say that Yuna turned around. The angry face that greeted me at the door was gone. A sign of an inner-struggle flashed over her facial expression but vanished right before she let out a big sigh. She lowered her arms and invited me to come with her to the living room.

At that moment I felt like everything that our friendship had built, was gone. The trust was gone, the excitement of seeing each other was gone and the love that used to feel so safe seemed to be gone. A formal 'would you like some soda?' now felt as an obligation instead of basic hospitality.

Yuna told me that she had met this girl, right after the event. She had seen what Gippal and I had caused. That girl hadn't even told Gippal about her pregnancy and because of me she thought she never even get the chance to do so. Yuna made it clear that she would never stick her nose into my business unless something like this made it her business.

I felt so guilty when I heard how I made that poor girl feel. I realised that she was feeling just as I had been feeling every time I saw Gippal walking down the street hand in hand with someone else. She probably even felt worse in her situation.

I asked Yuna what exactly it was that she was expecting from me. To say sorry to her? To say sorry to that girl? To go to Gippal and tell him that he should take his responsibility? Surprisingly, she wanted none of those things. The only thing she would like is honesty. I remember how frustrated she was.

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'_Jeez Rikku you're my cousin. You say you've loved Gippal for years and you never managed to tell me?'_

'_I know Yuna, but what was I supposed to say? Hey, you know I kinda like someone who likes anyone but me? The whole entire time he's flirting with everything that has boobs and yet he finds a way to skip me. As if I'm not even good enough for a booty call! I didn't want you to know, because it would make it official that Gippal doesn't want anything to do with me.' _

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And that was the first time she ever saw me cry. I know I said I would deal with things in the Rikku kind of way, but you know what? I'm sick of the Rikku kind of way. Gosh, don't ever be a marry go round cause everyone will expect you to be one every day, all day. The conversation died out for a minute.

After a while of sitting there, sobbing and fighting back the tears that were still trying to find the quickest way out of my body, Yuna came over and embraced me. _'You're so much more than a booty call. And Gippal knows that too.' _I smiled when Yuna said that. She finally gave me a new way of looking at things.

Now, I look at things in this perspective: Gippal knows that should he try to mess with me, I'd kick his butt. So in fact, he's afraid. Plus he also knows that I'm not just someone you call for a booty call. I'm someone for whom you just have to have a little respect.

We continued to talk for a little while and so the conversation quickly came to Yuna's pregnancy. She doesn't know what gender the baby has yet and she's not really sure she wants to know. Her idea is that whatever gender it has, as long as it's healthy she'll be a happy mom. She thinks she'll like the surprise. If you ask me, I don't think she'll be able to repress her curiosity.

On top of that, Tidus would definitely want to know. So Yuna and Tidus decided that Tidus could ask the gender and make an appropriate room for the baby. Of course Yuna doesn't intend to enter that room and see the colours Tidus chose. Now be honest, how long do you think that'll last? She'll hurt, torture and threaten with a life without sex just to get Tidus to talk. And knowing the two love birds, I don't think Tidus will hold on very long once Yuna sets her mind to something.

Anyways, more important things came up during the conversation. She wants me to be the baby's godmother. I hadn't seen that one coming AT ALL. It makes me feel kinda old, but I'm going to do it anyway! That little baby is going to cost me a whole lot of gill, so I'm thinking of getting back my old job. Digging at the dessert! Problem is, I need to get that introduction letter once more… And you know where to get that, right? Indeed, I'll need to go see Gippal if I want to have a job.

Not that I think he'll deny me one, it's just that awkward tension that there'll be between us. Not to mention, I'm not quite happy with the way he tricked me into his plan. He should have told me everything. I got a lot to discuss with Gippal. But how do I start a conversation about something so sensitive without ruining my chance of getting a well paid position. Sigh… Sometimes I wish this book could talk. Maybe you'd have a better plan.

I'm not dealing with this tomorrow… I think it's best to wait for the opportune moment. No… Tomorrow I'm going to do something just for ME. I'll tell you all about it, but for now I think I deserve some rest. Yuna's yelling has left a headache comparable to a grizzly bear trying to dig his way out of my head…

Sleep tight!


	7. Chapter 7

**Note: **the 'm' key is broken so it might be a shorter chapter. I'm sorry for that

**Dear diary, **

You will never believe the drama of today. Remember how I said I'd do something for me this time? Well… I did and then again… I didn't. But let's begin this story appropriately, at the beginning.

I woke up feeling relieved. I finally felt as if I had my best friend and best cousin back. It'll still take a while to regain that trust again, but it won't take too long I'm sure. I opened the curtains and caught a glimpse of a beautiful day. The sunbeams hit the grass and made it look greener than ever. I took a deep breath and decided that this would be the first day of my life without Gippal. The only moment I would ever see him again would be to talk things over and to apply for a job. It felt good to believe that, but it didn't really last that long.

I grabbed my bikini and decided to go to the spa for some pampering. Ignorant as I was, I wanted to go alone. Of all people that I needed to clear things out with and talk things over with, I found myself the most important of all. I wanted to think about things and what to do next. Just have some time to myself and go over all my options.

As I walked into the building a sense of silence came to me. It may be a weird way to describe silence as a 'sense' but I don't know how to put it in other words. It was surprisingly calm and everyone respected each others wish for rest. No one really looked at anyone, they politely ignored each other. I smiled for the first time since days. I knew right then and there that somehow, I'd find the old Rikku again. But for now I decided to stay this way, a Rikku who shows exactly how she feels.

I lowered myself into the warm water of the pool. The water there was so salty that you couldn't help but float. A giggle escaped me as I tried to put my legs where they belonged, in a vertical way instead of horizontal. My smile disappeared as I saw that Gippal's girlfriend had had the same idea as me. She was sitting there at the opposite side of the pool and let me tell you she wasn't politely ignoring me. She stared right through me, as if she was trying to read the reasons why in my eyes. A red shade came over my face and I hid myself under water. Luckily, I had learned to hold my breath for a long time.

I don't really know how long I had been sitting under water, I only remember it was hard to stop myself from floating. Honestly, I wanted to stay there forever. Or at least until she was gone. This was supposed to be my day to think things true but I guess I didn't deserve such a thing.

When I came back to the surface she was still sitting on the edge of the pool. Only now, she was on my side of the pool and I stared her right in the face as I grasped for air. I decided to let her take a lead in the conversation since she obviously already knew what she wanted to say.

'_I'm not here to ruin your day, but I just had to have this talk with you.'_ She lowered her head as if she was ought to be the one ashamed. In a way that made my guilt even stronger. Still, I didn't know what to say.

'_You probably don't know but Gippal and I are having a baby. I know he's a player… It was never my intention to stay with him. But the one night stand I had with him changed that. He doesn't know though…'_

Her voice lingered in my mind. All this time I had blamed her for taking him away only to realise now that she was just using him, in the same way he had been using everybody else. Why was she the one getting punished for one lousy night? Gippal has had hundreds of them and always got a way with it for free.

'…_I just wanted you to know that, although you may like Gippal… I can't leave him. You may love him as a person, but I need him as a father to my child. So if in the future you and him are sneaking off again… please, steal his time away from me but don't take away my baby's father.' _

I felt thankful that we met in the pool. That way neither one of us could separate tears from water cause right at that time they even tasted the same. I was in shock. She was literally saying that I could have him every now and then and that she'd be fine with it. It's the same kind of feeling that you get when you're parents claim they're not mad but just disappointed… Somehow I had felt much better if she would have made a scene, but she didn't. She never even raised her voice.

She slowly got up, apparently she didn't think that whatever I had to say would change a single thing. Before she left to change, she turned around and looked me in the eye.

'_I saw the pain in your eyes that night. I know you love him… I'm sorry to ask you to let him be mine. I have said what I needed to say and now you still have the liberty to do as you wish. Just know that… growing up without a father is worse than not having those few days that you get when you're officially his…'_ and with that she left.

That father thing really got to me. I knew what it was like growing up without a father. My father, Cid, was a great leader and was always away from home. He wasn't there when I was scared of the boogieman or when I had hurt myself by falling of the swing. He wasn't there when I had my heart broken for the first time and he wasn't there when I had my heart broken last time…

I can't handle writing anymore. I'll see you again tomorrow, when I'll try to get my old job back… and the old Rikku too for that matter.

Goodnight.


	8. Chapter 8

**Note: **the 'm' key is STILL broken so it might be a shorter chapter. Plus, as you may have noticed, I'm not as quick with updating as I used to be…I'm sorry for that but things will get better in a while.

**Dear diary, **

I woke up as a mess, still in the same position I was in when I went to sleep. This sure has been the shortest night of my life. I remember every word she said as if my brain had known that whatever she had to say was important enough to change my life.

I didn't really have the time to figure out what I wanted to say to Gippal today. I had thought about it most of the night before but still it felt like time wasn't on my side. Brushing my hair, it got to me. What was I doing? Was I really going to ruin two lives… make a girl a single mother? Deny this child to have a father?

I stared at my reflection for a while and I realised it wasn't Rikku staring back at me. I had become what I hated most. A home wrecker, a monster. The dark shade beneath my eyes told a story. A story I wasn't proud of. A struggle between my conscience and my ability to love. I couldn't possibly imagine my life as a person who doesn't love Gippal. The only question left is, is loving Gippal and staying true to this feeling worth killing my conscience for?

My gaze lingered but then it drifted of to the clock. It was about time I got myself together. And so I did. I picked up the pieces and got a grip, if only to get me through this day. Through this meeting with Gippal…

When I got to Djosé temple my legs felt as if they tried to run away but were being hold back by the weight of my body. I was nailed to the floor and I tried to convince myself that this was the only way of getting a job quickly. I had some making up to do with Yuna and I figured the best way to do so was by spoiling her baby. So yes, I needed the money.

After a while of standing there, the gates of the temple opened and Gippal was walking out. You may call it 'fortunate', but it felt like a trip to the dentist. Apparently some of his employees had seen me standing there and had warned Gippal that I was acting… weird to say the least.

Gippal acted as if nothing happened, it might have been his way to make clear that he didn't want to talk about it. I decided that the best strategy would be: work first, kick his butt after. Good idea in theory. Problem is, people have a mind of their own. And while we're all practising conversations in the mirror… people never say the thing you had in mind. So, those things only work in theatres, not real life. And even there some people manage to mess things up. As far as I remember the conversation went like this:

'_What are you doing here? __My men say you've been standing here for quite some time…'_ not exactly a heart-warming welcome. I might have deserved such bitterness but not from Gippal.

'_I need a job.' _Keeping the conversation short and efficient is usually the best way to go when you want something done by men.

'_Try the local Al Bhed store. They're always looking for people.'_ It was clear Gippal didn't want me here. It wasn't quite clear why. Temptation? Resentment?

'_You know that's not what I __mean and you know that's not well-paid. I need to do what I do best…'_

'_oh you mean apart from saving the world twice every three years?'_ What the hell had gotten into him. He was being so hostile that I didn't want to play nice anymore. I was about to explode and I barely kept it together.

'_Just give __me the damn introduction letter and I'll be out of your sight before you know it.'_

'_well… that's not how things work here anymore. I'm busy with a project and therefore I occasionally go digging myself. I need extra help on this project, I've got enough diggers. And personally I don't think you're quite… fit for this job.' _I could see by the way he avoided my eyes that this was all nonsense. An excuse to keep me away from him.

'_I'__m Cid's girl… I might be the best mechanic there is.' _I knew that was I lie. His men are twice as capable as I. But I've got to admit… working for Gippal is one of the best paid jobs you can find. It's hard work and it may take some effort to get used to his constant nagging and teasing but once you're over that… it's wonderful.

I looked at Gippal and I saw him thinking. '_You can come back tomorrow… I'll have some tests ready for you and if you can do them.. You're hired.'_ That shouldn't be much of a problem. Dad probably knows what Gippal is working on and he might be able to give me some pointers. Before I knew it, Gippal was already walking back to Djosé temple, without a single warning.

'And Gippal…' I tried to switch the conversation to his girlfriend and her baby but he was gone. I guess that'll have to wait 'till tomorrow.

Right now I'm going to study some books on machina and pray that the tests tomorrow won't be all that hard. Knowing Gippal he'll probably come up with some plan to keep me as far away as possible. Luckily, when I get something in my head, I don't plan on letting it go that easily.


	9. Chapter 9

**Dear diary,**

Today was the big day. So what do you think happened? Did I get the job or not? Well let's start exactly where I did… in the middle of the night.

I woke up, naked, sweaty and terrified because I was lying so vulnerable on my bed. My best guess was that deciding to crash on my bed after my shower wasn't such a good idea after all. I looked at the clock but my vision was still fuzzy. My head ached as if I had been partying all night.

I stood up and tried desperately to find the light switch. A soft breeze entered the room and caused my body to enter some sort of hostile faze. This may sound weird but when you've saved the world twice and are a member of a minority group that has been hated on for years you ought to watch your back. So being naked in a darkened room probably isn't a situation in which you'd feel safe if you were me.

Eventually I managed to find the light switch and I finally calmed down a bit. Ignoring the lack of clothing I got onto the bed and stared at my books. It had been my plan to study all through the night but clearly that never happened. Again, I felt a cold breeze traveling through the room. I looked over to my right and found that my bedroom window was open.  
Strange. I was absolutely sure I had locked it when I went to take a shower. In my mind I went over the last few hours that I could remember. Yes, I did close the window. Slowly I finally got up on my feet again and I walked over to the other side of the room.

Hiding my body behind the curtains I looked through the window and saw some kind of shadow. Weird to say the least but I wrote it off as my mind playing tricks on me. I closed the window and started to browse through my closet. Looking for the best possible outfit isn't so easy when you've got a million things to keep in mind. You want something light, so you won't die from the heat… then again you want your body to be protected against sandstorms. Of course deep down I also wanted to look good for Gippal.

I knew that shouldn't have been part of my decision but that's how things go when you're in love. It really doesn't matter whether you realize it or not, but one way or another you'll still feel some accountability towards the object of your affection.

When I finally got some clothes on, I realized that it was already to late… or to early… to start studying again. Breakfast and coffee were probably the best choice to make for now.  
Sipping on my cappuccino with extra foam on top, I walked over to my kitchen table. Big mistake. My mug fell out of my hand as I found a sealed envelope. Someone had been inside of my house.  
Freaked out, I called Gippal. No way I was going out today. I was going to stay in and make sure that if this bastard would come back I'd be ready. You'll never believe what he had to say.

'_This was not part of the plan, Cid's girl… or have you lost your way somewhere on the mi'hen highroad?' _I could even hear him smirk.

'_Look Gippal this is no time for jokes I've just found a letter on my kitchen table'_

'_oh no… now what do we do?'_ Sarcasm wasn't Gippal's best asset but he'd use it nonetheless.

'_Someone has been inside my house and you don't care?'_ the moment that sentence came out of my mouth I silently cursed myself. I had made it so obvious that I wanted him to care. I prayed that for once, a boy would be ignorant to the clues at a moment that I wanted him to. Silence placed itself between us. For a few minutes both of us didn't know what to say. That rarely ever happens.

'_well…' Gippal hesitated. 'have you opened it?'_

'_well.. well.. no… I don't think that's a smart thing to do.' _

'_urgh.. good going Cid's girl. It could be a letter from Yuna, she has a key you know?'_ again, I cursed myself. Why haven't I thought of this? Then again, Yuna may have a key but she never uses it. It was meant for emergencies only.

'_fine… I'll open it. Just… stay with me… ok?'_ weak. I know. But I was terrified.

I opened the letter and fear automatically turned into anger. I yelled through the phone but Gippal had already hung up. This is what it said:

**Dear Rikku, **

**Hereby your day of trials has begun. I wonder… will you open this letter first and then call me? Or will you call me, helplessly and terrified. I'm guessing the latter.  
****Don't be mistaken, this is a test. If you want to work for me, you are going to be scared every now and then. Often it'll be in placed where you won't be able to call someone. **

**I know you're going to lose this challenge. Don't be sad, there are plenty more to come. Just be prepared next time.  
****And oh… don't worry, your locks are fine. I happen to be great at switching off alarm installations and climbing through windows. You may want to think twice about sleeping naked next time. **

**Yours truly,  
****Gippal. **

So the score was 2 – 0 in favor of Gippal. I had failed test number one and he had seen me naked. Great. Anyways, I'm going to make sure that this will be the only two points he'll get. I got to step my game up. I'll tell you all about it when I get back.

I got to run!

Love,  
Rikku


End file.
